What Justin is thinking…

08/10/09

Today I felt quite lazy as I didn’t have any work to do – thankfully not something that I will experience tomorrow as I start my comedy job! I also didn’t eat much any breaky as I got up too late, and then while researching what I’m going to do in France next year hit some bumps on the road, so I’m now a bit unsure. While running/walking in the park I heard the song ‘New York’s not for me’ by Jim Croce which features the lyrics

‘Don’t you know that I’ve got to get out of here

I’m so alone

That’s the reason that I’ve got to get out of here

Coz New York’s not my home’

It seemed to fit my mood almost too well.

08/09/09

Yesterday two things happened that I didn’t mention and I didn’t mention them for two reasons. One: I am not proud of them and Two: they happened after I wrote yesterday’s piece.

The first was when I was purchasing some stone fruit from a street vendor. I accidentally picked up a peach thinking it was a plumb and put it in my bag with two other plumbs. Plumbs were three for a dollar, Peaches two for a dollar. The thing was though, that at first I thought it was a plumb, but upon closer inspection I realized it was a peach, but I still put it in my bag and still only paid the street vendor a dollar for it. THIEF.

The number two thing that happened was precisely that, a number two. I had just had a good read of my new Wheels magazine, flushed and gone to do something else, probably write yesterdays article actually. That evening though upon returning to my room, Patrick my wisend older Jamaican room mate alerted me not to flush the toilet as someone had taken a pooh that had blocked the toilet and that the person that did it should go down stairs, get a plunger and fix it. I inspected it, and it was indeed my business. People were jokingly blaming it on our Croatian room mate but I didn’t say anything. I went out, cooked dinner and tried to forget about it. I felt bad but not bad enough to own up. Later on that night the toilet was in good and in working order. LIAR.

These two things, got me thinking about something else that I’m not proud of – that I had an idea, but bailed on it before I could give it a proper go. COWARD.

So I wasn’t feeling all that crash hot when I ate my Hotdogs capsicum slices and carrots for tea that night, so when my mind challenged me to do something I knew I should do it to save some self respect. I was sitting with my back to the open roof top watching the TV. What I really wanted to do after I’d eaten was read my book and have another night in, but there was a group of people sitting outside and I had challenged myself to go and join them. Next ad break I said, then the next one. Finally I got up and joined in with their convo, and it wasn’t that bad. They were two boys from Queensland and a British girl. We chatted for a while, visited the liqueur store and then went out to a real American bar called ‘The Pioneer’ that played cowboy music and had girls dancing on the bar top. John, one of the Australian’s mates was there and he introduced us to his friends who we chatted with over the loud music. My new friends drank more and more and enjoyed themselves more and more as I felt less and less comfortable. I left them at around one and found my way back to the hostel. It was a fun night and I got to meet some proper Americans, but I’m sure there are other ways to socialize where not drinking would not make you boring and odd. Though, Sabina (the British girl) had said “Interesting” when she found out that I didn’t drink. When I arrived back home at close to two, I wondered if I would have actually gained more by just staying at home reading.

This morning I was still feeling on a bit of a downer as I found my way to the NYC Bahai center for the weekly devotionals. When I got inside my feeling didn’t subside. There was much singing and praying and about half of it in Spanish. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, but I didn’t feel at home, it was a community feel, but not my community. Though, like I forced myself to chat to the people last night, I forced myself to stay there after the devotional for the fellowship part of the get together – the tipping point was that there would be food. While guzzling down the amazing tacos, salad, fizzy drink, cookies and ice-cream (there is only so much I can make with a microwave (mic ondes in French – I’ve been studying with a French girl), hot plate and toaster) I started chatting to a couple of people who were quite friendly, dragging me out of my sour funk hole. I then started chatting to a man whose parents were living in the US when they fell in love – his mother Dutch and his father African. It was illegal at the time for them to get married so they escaped to The Dominican Republic and had children there. We started talking about the Bahai Faith, what happens when we die, how he studies the holy writings from a scientific point of view (he is an electrical engineer), matches, electrons and Hermes. I was struggling to keep up with all of his concepts but gained just enough to know that there was a lot out there that I don’t know. This was something that I was very glad I forced myself to try.

08/08/09

Last night was the Edward Sharpe show at the Mercury Lounge. I knew that it was on, though more than a week ago when I looked it up online it was already booked out. But I thought that it was still worth a crack getting down there to see if I could get some tickets. So I made my way there aiming to be at the door around 9:30 as that was when the band was meant to start, but due to some hickups with the subway it was closer to 10:30 when I finally arrived only to see a big queue out the door. Thankfully the band hadn’t started yet, so I hadn’t missed the opportunity, though I still didn’t have any tickets. I didn’t really have much of a plan so I just joined the line until I saw Stuart the Trumpeter so I had a brief chat to him, and then I saw Jade and Nora. Now I didn’t want to ask them to help me get in (they probably get that a bunch) but I did mention that I didn’t have tickets. To up my chances I started with the name dropping,

‘Hey you know Ryan, his like this tall and has hair and a beard like this and is at all your shows?’

‘Oh yeah!’

‘Yeah, we’re friends and worked at TOMS together’

‘ahh cool! Do you know Nora?’

‘Hey Nora, How’s it going? I think you did some work with my mates Claire and Devika also from TOMS?’

‘No’

‘ohh’

Awkward pause. I kept talking to Jade about the tour for a bit and Nora walked off. Perhaps she remembered the last time when I tapped her on the shoulder and she thought that I might get violent again if she kept talking to me. Soon Jade went back in and I was still without a ticket. I got back in line with the vague plan of waiting until I met the bouncer and asking him politely if he could just let me in to the already over flowing room. It wasn’t much of a plan, but I just had a feeling that it should work. As it was I got talking to the group of girls behind me and it turned out that they actually had an extra ticket – brilliant! So I paid the girl whose name was Sam $8 as I didn’t have a $10 note on me and said I’d buy her a drink inside. Sam had heard about the band through her brother Colin who apparently had his finger on the music pulse pretty well. But thanks to the Rolling stone two page spread and the Flaunt magazine article, they aren’t exactly the most secretive band anymore. The lady at the door who was handing out stamps was also taking a tally of who each punter was there to see – I had a look at her list – the band who was headlining had about 40 marks, Edward Sharpe (the support act) had about 300 next to their name, so as you could expect, the place was packed. I knew that if I wanted to make it to the front I would have to make my move early, so fifteen minutes before the start I made my way forward struggling and bumping my way past a lot of people. And right at the very front was a sight that I had seen at all of the other shows that I have been too – a great mass of curly hair – Kat. Apparently she had just moved here to live with her Dad and had already bought herself a ticket for the bands next show in Brooklyn in a months time.

When the band finally played they were as good as ever, the energy was up, people were getting into it and it was a spanking show. Jade pointed at me during the show, sharing one of her trademark grins, the sort of grin that said ‘Oh fantastic you got in!’ and Alex gave me a sort of high five/ finger pat in what I’d like to think was an act of recognition. And it may just have been me (it probably was) but I think Nora was giving me the ol’ greasy eye too a couple of times throughout the show. Near the end of the show in between songs Alex was having a think about what to play next so I yelled out ‘Carries on!’, and he said, ‘oh yeah good idea’, and they played it and it was brilliant. They had addded a cool guitar tiddly bit during the quiter parts of the song and it worked pretty well. Afterwards that were still stumped for a song and someone behind me yelled out ‘40 days’, Alex didn’t hear it so with my deep vocal chords and crystal clear Aussie accent I repeated it and he heard me, only to look at me a little annoyed and like he thought just a bit less of me and said into the mic ‘we’ve already played that song’. Oh, I felt a bit silly. But their last song was a belter and I had a chat to Alex after the show about their tour. I thought about staying for the next band, but it was already late and I had a job interview the next day so I headed off, despite the nagging feeling that I had paid for something that I wasn’t seeing. At the Subway I went into the wrong terminal and couldn’t go back in again for another 15 minutes, so I went back to the club to see the next band some young lads from England- and I’m so glad I did! Not really actually, I hoped that I would be able to say that as it would fit the situation well, but they were just an alright indie band. The crowd had thinned substantially and there would have been enough space for me and about five of my closest friends to swing a cat each. Truly Edward Sharpe was the star band, and quite deservedly so. With the amount of buzz that they are generating, it’ll be interesting to see just how big they get!

I had my interview today for the Comic promoting job. I get about $10 for every person that I get to go to the show and the average for each worker is to get about 8 – 10 people per day. I also get to go to all the shows for free which should be cool as comics like Dave Hughes and Jim Oin often play there.

08/07/09

I started looking for journalism jobs today and found many that tickled my interest, so I applied for about seven – ranging from unpaid internships to paid reporting positions in tiny towns. Why not eh? I have already heard back from one internship who wants me to answer some further questions on why I will be good for the position. My logic is that even if I get a job here or in LA that doesn’t really apply to my career path, then I can at least do this internship (which is just over the internet) for ten hours a week and still be gaining good experience. I also got a call from a comic promoting company for an interview tomorrow which could be interesting. I’m really starting to feel good here now, it’s taken almost a week but what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

08/06/09
I walked around with Steffan today and had a good time. While working tonight I’ve been having think about other jobs and careers – and I’m re evaluating journalism. I’ve actually found a pretty good looking internship around here for a website that could be pretty good. It would mean that I could leave at the end of the year and not extend my visa. Also I”ve been having a think about France and I’ve looked into getting French classes while in France. There is a place where I can actually work for my lessons too – could be useful. I’ve also just been talking to a French girl called Lena and have learned several new words – I’m keeping a record of them.

08/05/09

I got my washing done – woop woop! Wow – what an exciting opening line… I went back today to meet up with James, my friend from the street who I lent $40 to the other day as he was in a wheel chair and had seen better days. He didn’t return, which in many ways is a good thing as it should harden me up a little as I believe I can be a bit niave sometimes. The coolest thing happened on the way there though. The sort of thing that if I were to make a list of things that I want to happen to me in my life, this one would sit right under ‘get splashed by a bus driving through a puddle while I am wearing a suit and have just had a tough day at work’. I met someone from back home who I had no idea was even in this country. Just randomly bumped into them – awesome eh?! It was my friend Steffan from Germany who I was nieghbours with last year. We are going to meet up tomorrow and take in a bit of New York. Lucky I gave that money to James then, else I wouldn’t have met up with him!

08/04/09

Well I achieved two of the three things that I had set out for myself to do today, and that ain’t bad I say. I have successfully moved into the new Hostel, got my computer fixed but haven’t been able to do my laundry – I’ll save that one for tomorrow. I am currently near the end of my first shift of work and it has just hit three in the morning. I am doing laundry and it is a piece of cake – I’d say 70% of the time I can just do what I want to, play on the computer, read a book or chat to fellow travellers. The rest of the time I am loading, unloading or folding. I was at first dissapointed that I didn’t get to go on front desk, but not now. The place seems cool enough too. I’m staying in a room with seven other workers here and it is bigger than my last hostel, and the mattresses are also much thicker.
I’m tossing up now whether I will get a part time job or just focuss on getting a full time one. Hmm, I don’t think I’ll ponder it too much now, might hit the hay.

08/03/09

I called Meaghan again and was directed to the answering machine before it could ring out, so I gave up on her. I also had another look for jobs and found another beauty on the net in the library in Harlem. I was still unsure about what opportunity I should take, but I decided that I would call Matt at TOMS and take that one. I could practice my French in my time off (studying and getting paid) and also get to know the PR department a bit more and volunteer some of my time there gaining some good experience. When I got a hold of Matt, he told me that they were still after someone to take the job, but they had put it back by about a month, to September sometime, which actually works out fantastically for me. I now have about a month to try and find some proper work here in New York and if I find a good job then I’m set, if I don’t, then I can jet set back to LA and pick up the TOMS job. I went and saw Nir today and he said that I can move in tomorrow, so that is accommodation sorted, and I’ve got enough money to pay for all my food for the next four weeks as well. So if I can pick up enough part time work to pay for a flight home then I will be cheering. I think this is a good thing, not running back to LA as soon as I get a bit homesick and scared. I feel much more secure with the job hunting ideas than I did with the start up business idea, but I still am feeling a bit homesick. I’ll send the fam an email tomorrow to get them to call me, now that they know how to call mobiles from their skype. Tomorrow I’ll also

-get my computer fixed
-do my laundry
-move in to the new hostel.

I had an experience today which has prompted me to expedite the computer fixing and laundry. It was a truly uncomfortable double whammy of an experience. I was waiting to get a computer at the library near the Jazz hostel, and I had to wait one and a half hours so I was having some Magic time, then looking at the jobs section of the papers. Just a few minutes before it was my turn to get on a computer my nose started to bleed (I picked at it – my bad). I felt so relieved that I had brought a tissue with me and had it handily stored in my left short pocket. Thing was though that my first reaction to stem the blood in my right nostril was to put the index finger of my left hand across it. So when I was awkwardly trying to extract the tissue from my left pocket with my right hand I tilted my head a bit and some of the backed up blood streamed out of my nostril and onto my shirt and down my arm. Finally I got the tissue to my face, picked up my bag and got up to go up stairs to the bathroom. On the way though I got caught in a traffic jam of childrens prams and mothers, and had to tip toe through a small herd of waiting ten to twelve year olds, and then ask a man with the key if he would let use the facilities. Finally I got to the bathroom and after some work was able to clean myself up and dab the marks on my (thankfully) red polo shirt and (not so thankfully) white shorts. By the time I got down stairs though, I realised that I had missed my 5 minute window to get on the computer and that another man was already using it. I was a bit annoyed and I threw my library code in the recycling bin next to the row of computers. I stood by the magazine stand pretending to parose them while I thought of my next move. ‘Perhaps’ I thought ‘I could use my library code which I just throw out to have a go on the express 10 minute computers?’. So I sidled up to the recycling bin and pulled out the sheet of paper with my library code on it, and just as I touched the paper in the bin the man in the closest computer (please imagine him with a greasy side part, and wearing a pale grey suit) said ‘I just spat in there, sorry’. And by the time it took me to register what he had said, I had my hand on a wet and sticky patch of the sheet of paper. At this point I just left the library. And upon walking away tried really hard to think of the value that I gained from the library visit. Magic was waffling on about franchises and choosing a good business partner or something else that didn’t pertain to me, I didn’t find a job, and I had embarrassing run ins with two different types of body fluids. It was a hard lesson, but it has prompted me to get my computer looked at, and to wash my clothes which I will do tomorrow.

08/02/09
I didn’t write yesterday because I thought my decision was final and that my journey here in New York was all but done. I surfed the net and read in libraries and jogged, walked and enjoyed Central park – for the first time listening to my ipod. Today though was a different story. Late last night I agreed with a big friendly black guy called Marvin to go to a Church service in the morning (when in Harlem it would be a pity not to see any singing no?). So this morning I went with him, an Italian guy from my room, and a Dutch guy from another hostel that Marvin had met the night before. Marvin is one of those happy, super friendly guys that everyone he meets he makes friends with, and he meets many people. His Dutch pal David is probably the coolest person I have ever met. He pretty well only wears black suits with white collored shirts underneath, is a writer, taught himself philosophy and astronomy, has thick accent and a deep voice and looks like Adrian Brody. He also smokes cigarettes, which fits the image a little too well – almost making him seem a little cliche – but not quite. I was quite tired and seemed to still be in a hostile, non friendly, I want to be alone mood, which I’ve noticed I seem to get into sometimes when I am alone and want company. Despite this I enjoyed their company and I think the feeling was mutual. Later on that day I went to see Marvin sing Jazz songs at a later Church service on 107th street between Broadway and Amsterdam. Afterwards at the dinner for a donation (yeah!) I got talking to a Polish guy Martin – probably because he looked like me with longish hair and a beard. He was a lovely chap – has a wife and baby and has been over here for three years. Something in our conversation sparked an idea for me. If I’m going to extend my visa then why not try and find a job that I am interested in? Perhaps it drove home how much I working as an online chat person wasn’t what I wanted my career to be when I responded to Martin’s question of what I was going to do in LA, and almost felt embarrasment when I said my plans.

I feel like a bit of a duffer changing my plans so much, but so be it, nothing is solid at the moment. I contacted Meaghan a high up recently ex worker at TOMS who has spent some time in New York and asked her what she thought my chances might be getting work in New York, and I sent in an application for a event marketing job that I am actually really excited about – I think I made a pretty good job of the application too, though it might depend what they are after. The add was for a entry level position, for serious career minded people who didn’t want to be stuck in the office the whole time and it pays $30 000 a year ($6k more than TOMS). The only pickle now is that I think the TOMS guys will call me tomorrow. I don’t want to turn that one down as it is better than a kick in the pants, but I’d like to see what is out there. Hopefully Meaghan will get in contact with me also some time soon. I might go ahead with the TOMS thing, and I can always pull out at some time. Humph. I guess another good position to be in.

Here is something that I do have to learn though – how to say no to homeless people. Or not necesarily that, but what I can do to help them without busting all my finances. Today when I was walking to Church the second time I guy in a wheel chair asked me for $28 so that he could stay over night at a hostel, and that on the 5th he would have money and would pay me back if I met him on the same corner at 6:00. I gave him $40 (as close as I could get from an ATM) and remembered what time he said and where. Later coming back a guy offered to show me some card tricks, he did, and they were very good – getting my card to come out of his mouth folded up. I only had $1 on me and when I gave it to him he was very dissapointed and I didn’t want things to turn ugly. They probably wouldn’t have, but I complied with his girlfriends suggestion to use an ATM just to be on the safe side. I offered to buy him food, but he said the shelter gave them that and he needed to save up for clothes. I asked him not to spend it on booze or cigerettes, and he said he wouldn’t because his grandma had taught him to honour someones word. Apparently he has a physical disability, and his girlfriend has a mental disability and they are unemployable. So I parted with another $10. Both these people that I gave money too really needed it, and more so than I do. But I am running quite low on my own money – only $300 or so left, so I can barely afford it myself. It was odd when I was listening to the man in the wheel chair tell me why he didn’t have any legs and that he was losing elasticity in his face and that parts of his fingers were falling off, I thought, it’s ok, it’s not my obligation to give this man money, society doesn’t make me and I can walk off at any moment and not be doing a bad thing. Then I caught myself thinking this and was shocked. There must be something I can do to help and I believe that I am not un-obligated.

Oh, also from my readings from Magic yesterday I realised that he set up the starbucks right around the corner from where I am staying now. I checked it out today, had a coffee and did some reading in it actually, and there is a photo of him inside there – cool eh?

07/31/09 Friday

This morning I got up at a spritely 8:00 and as soon as I had eaten breakfast and then had a second breakfast down the street where there was a ‘free breakfast’ celebration for the 25th birthday of a soul food restaurant, I went over to see Nir at the Jazz Hostel. I handed him my resume but didn’t have a printed copy of the application as I had though it sufficient to just send it in online as I also did my resume. To be honest I didn’t even think I needed to bring a hard copy of my resume – lucky I did! He said I had the gig and welcomed me to the team. I would join some Dutch and Eastern European fellas and some Jamaican and Scottish girls as the work exchange staff. I had a think about this concept last night and I couldn’t quite make up my mind who was getting the better deal. I’d be working three shifts (about 24 hours) for my stay which equates to around $240 if I was getting paid an ok wage. Now to stay at the Hostel that I’m at currently, I’m paying around $115 per week. So it doesn’t look like I’m the winner. But on the other hand, if I were to spell the story out in numbers I would be paying nothing for accommodation – which is a good thing, when you are not in the strongest financial situation. One thing that Nir said the day before had been simmering in the back of my mind. I asked a question to confirm that he would prefer it if we didn’t have a job before organizing the shift, and he replied ‘If you have a job already then stay with it, they are hard to come by’. Hmmm, I didn’t have a job and would have to face that problem next.

My next stop was the library and I was actually looking forward to the wait for the computer so that I could get re-acquainted with my mate Magic again. As I went to pick up the book I noticed sitting next to it another book that said ‘the last career guide you will ever need to read’, I thought it might be helpful for me in finding a part time job – but thinking now, I’m glad I picked up Magic. The lesson that I learned today was about strengths and weaknesses. Magic when he was a basketball player had pretty slow foot work and a poor long range shot, he worked on them to make them acceptable, but that was not what made him one of the greatest players ever. Magic had a skill for getting around players and scoring points close in and making crafty passes – and that is what he focused on and perfected. Magic says that the same can be applied to business, and I’d like to think to life in general. It struck me then that what I was doing now was not my strength. As of last night I have been feeling very very alone and I haven’t felt boyant, conversational or cherpy – which I can be. A combination of missing my family after a great trip with Mum and Dad, worrying about my financial situation and wanting to stay independent, not really enjoying the hostel experience when viewed from a permanent residence perspective (I would only have a microwave to cook food in at the hostel – no hot plate) and being scared of my business idea and what it would involve me doing. This last one is a difficult problem for me to deal with. I’ve had those two quotes in my head stirring me on to do this since I got the idea “Never, ever, ever give up” and “Always take the harder option”. Well I’m giving up and I’m taking the easier option, so perhaps I have failed, and anything that I say from now on is just an excuse to try and save face. But I’m going to say it anyway. I realized that I don’t have the skills that I need at this moment to do the job right, and that at this time and place I am not prepared to do it. I don’t have any experience in business, or entrepreneurship but even more importantly, (perhaps I should put this bit to poetry?) I’m not in an emotional position to do it – primarily due to the lack of community and money surrounding me. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be a spoilt rich kid whinging that he has no money. I’ve probably got access to more than a lot of people I see do – money my parents have sat in my account and money friends want to give me. But it’s not my money, and at this point in time, I’m not prepared to borrow even more money than I have in the past to buff up my financial position.

So after my magical new insight I was unconsciously tossing up ideas in my head, making calculations about the best way to sort out my predicament; just get a full time job anywhere; work part time and give your idea a shot, then at least you’ll cover bases and the three months will fly by. And just like a slightly slow and not paying attention calculator, I finally reassessed some options that I had ruled out. Going back to Los Angeles and working for TOMS and extending my visa. This would mean changing my initial plan (one year in America, one year in France), but they were not solid to begin with; I would not be in Europe when Dru was there for the first half of the year but even if I was we’d be in separate countries and I would still get to meet her off the plane and hang out; and I’d be putting off the French trip even further – but this actually has some appeal to it. See I was talking to a French guy downstairs for a little while who didn’t speak much English, and when I say talking, I mean, saying words and then acting out stuff. It was slow and it was hard work. Then yesterday the French girl at the Jazz hostel recommended that I learn as much French as I can because even if I was fruit picking I would ‘not find it funny’ if I could only speak English. On top of that, I’m in a place now where I feel terribly lonely and I speak the language of everyone (apart from the French guy) around me. So perhaps I should really get my act together with learning the language before I go over there.

This experience has been good as I have realized my own weaknesses and that I am not master of all emotions and feelings. A bit like when I rolled my ankle really badly playing netball. Prior to that I felt invincible on the court, I’d jump, hustle, leap and throw myself at every ball I could and couldn’t go for. After the accident though, I took things a bit slower, still went balls out fairly often, but chose my times more carefully. I think that is what I will do now. I now know that when I’m put in isolated places I can feel lonely, and that being lonely sucks. I have never been more homesick in my whole life than I was last night and today. It was like I was trapped in an elevater shaft and couldn’t get out. The more I thought about my family and where they were and where I was, the worse I felt. I’m sure this was brought on by recently seeing my parents and then having to say goodbye to them for about a year, and I was expecting it to come at some time. After talking to my family on the phone I now feel better especially in conjunciton with my decision to go back to LA. I am already emotionally on a different path, an easier, nicer, happier one.

So on paper it looks like I had an idea but turned away before I could give it a proper shot because of my weak emotions. Bahh, so be it. I’m learning a lot about humility then, and will better be able to relate to other people who have done similar things which I formally would have looked down upon. Plus my TOMS experience is going to be an adventure too, only one with friends, and financial security. And without giving this a shot I always would have wondered what could have been and thought the grass just might be greener, but now I no that in my current position it just isn’t viable. I might even try to do some work for the public relations team while I am there, to really develop my skills for the future. Ahh the possibilities that await…