notes from the road

bitter,have another crack then.

08/26/09

I only sold one ticket today and it has a large bearing on my well being. I feel lethargic, miserable and ready to leave big cities for ever. Perhaps my trounce into the modeling world was actually partly motivated by a sense of wanting to achieve great things and be noticed. I’ve never thought that I wanted this before, so perhaps it is brought on by this culture – either way, by not having, and having little way of attaining makes me feel a bit insignificant. I just wish I knew exactly what I wanted, though I doubt I am the only one aboard that boat, and writing this down now makes me realise exactly what I have got. The grass is not always greener. Anyway I didn’t want to whinge about my own thoughts…Pause… I just got back from having dinner and a conversation on the roof top with Mike a British guy here in the rain, and I now have a newer outlook on my current possibilities here. Mike is a very remarkable chap and I have been meaning to write about him for a while here. I won’t tell you his story right now, but I will tell you that we have some pretty deep conversations, and I told him basically what I have just written. He then said that I probably do know what I want to do, and I told him about my Harlem idea, we discussed it, he said it had merit, and that I really just need a kick in the butt. And from that I have been able to look at the situation that I am in, why I backed off before and how I would go about giving it another shot. I”m not going to back myself just yet, but I am re-evaluating it now and feel that it might be worth another look in. I could drop back to part time at work, promote at hostels and Times Square and just get the balls to inquire with people in Harlem. Mike also knows much about Harlem so I could probably get a few pointers from him with the research phase. Down sides would be – having to back out on a (unpaid) journalism internship and risk possibly not having enough money to get straight into the TEFL course in London in November. If I kept saving $100 a week which I can easily do now, then I will be able to make it no probs. I’ll definitely give it some thought. Now it will be different as financially I am in a safe place, I feel more at home, not as lonely, not missing the family as much and I am tasting what it is like to not give it a crack and it is bitter.

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