notes from the road

Pardon my French – please it’s just so filthy…

I thought that the French were pretty classy before I came here. Don’t get me wrong, some of them wear purfume and dress fancy, and most of them speak with a French accent – but they also do and say some pretty crude things.

I’ll let the first thing I noticed slide because they don’t know any better. Whenever speaking French it is hard to have even the shortest conversation with someone without dropping in a ‘we’ (yes – sometimes said ‘we we’ for extra emphasise) or ‘poo’ (a little). It’s like a 5 year old boy chose the funniest words he knew to be the most frequently used.

The French get no saving grace for the second thing. In Australia when someone asks you something and that you don’t know you might say ‘I don’t know’, ‘haven’t got the slightest’, ‘beats me’ etc. Here the appropriate reply, even for the most dainty, prim and proper lass is to smack your lips together and make a fart sound. Nice one team.

Now at a French wedding, you would expect that the French would be top of the ant hill for classyness – but alas this is also not true. The one that I was just at this weekend, was very stylish at times, a lot of fun (the french of all ages love to dance), incredibly long and with lots of great food – but it also featured one of the most unsightly moments I’ve seen in a while. The morning after the big night a small tradition was played out. This involved a bed pan with chocolate molded and smeared onto it so that it looked like the Taco Bell you might have eaten yesterday. The bed pan was then filled with Champagne and the bride and groom drank from it before passing it around the guests.

When I was asked whether I would like some of the turd soaken champagne, I declined as I don’t drink, earning myself zero points for living like a Frenchman. To get top points of course all you would have to do is make a fart sound and say ‘Weee wee, an poo’.

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